As I am writing this, I am sitting on the living room floor listening to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack (Patrick Swayze xoxo), drinking coffee out of a seriously adorable unicorn mug, and trying desperately to connect to some kind of wireless internet (we can’t afford our own yet). It is 10:09pm and I don’t work until three tomorrow, so I’m contemplating making this a late night, although I’m rather sleepy.
I voluntarily didn’t pay my phone bill so that my cell phone would be shut off and I would get to breathe. Like many others, I have a smart phone, so many of my thoughts are consumed by Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter. The unholy trinity of wasting my time (and here I am, having withdrawals, praying for an unsecured wireless network).
Over the next few days I will no doubt find myself reaching for my phone to post my random thoughts, but once that passes, I will delight in being unreachable. I might read a poem or take a bath, clean my apartment, get some fresh air. I already feel more at peace, unable to send a text even if I wanted to (I want to). Who knows what I will accomplish.
But what I really wanted to write about is autumn. In these dwindling moments of September (Someone can wake Green Day up in a few hours, looool. No? Not hilarious? Wrong.), I feel a sense of change and hope in my soul. October is without a doubt my favorite month, mainly because of my birthday, but for all the good feelings that come with it. It’s the start of the holiday season, it’s when Florida begins to get slightly less hot and humid. By the end of the month we’ll likely be able to comfortably wear tights, and maybe even have some good hair days. I could weep with joy.
For the first time in a while I am feeling really energized, creative, clear, optimistic – chipper, even! I suddenly have so much to look forward to, from my eye doctor appointment Tuesday morning to my birthday on the 16th. And then, before you know it, it’s Halloween, and then Thanksgiving, and then suddenly it’s Christmas! It’s magical.
The weather also plays a huge role in my renewed sense of joy. I don’t know if it’s strange, but I notice that my mood seems to correlate directly to the weather. When it is perfect, crisp, fall weather, I feel on top of the world. When it is raining, I don’t know what to do, what to wear, what to feel sometimes. And something about summer is just exhausting for me. Whatever the reason, this change in the air is curing me.
I have been dealing with some pretty serious mood swings, depression, blues, whatever you’d like to call it, these past few months. There have been some legitimate contributing factors I’m not going to get into, but it’s mostly been this unexplainable, nagging sadness. I’ve no less money than this time last year, nothing terrible has happened to me, if anything I’m better off than a year ago. But something in me has weakened, smaller things upset me more, and once they have, I spiral down into this pit of sad darkness, forgetting how to climb back out. Until recently, I mean. Things feel better, I can sense an upswing in my life. I’m just really thrilled about it – I’m feeling like a different person.
That’s probably the aspect of my life which I am most thrilled about right now – this transformation. I don’t know who I am becoming, and really, we are all transforming each and every day without thinking about it, I’m just very aware of it in this moment, and it’s like a deep breath of fresh air.
What are you excited about in your life right now? Does anyone else notice a bizarre connection with the weather and their emotions? Should I just go ahead and turn my phone back on? Anyone know a good place to borrow some internet?
samflower 